Almost finished; a little sad

All I have left on the Texas Tech pinwheel quilt is to sew on the binding, which I should be able to get mostly done tonight. It feels strange to come to the end of a project. I’m still a fairly novice quilter, and my first quilt took me years to finish because I wanted to hand quilt it, but rarely took the time to actually do it. My MIL ended up finishing the quilting for me after my husband and I got married.

I tied this quilt, and so it was done in an evening. I have it folded and set aside for the moment, because I took some time to reorganize my fabric stash. Since opening my etsy shop, I’ve bought a lot of fabric, both for the store and for personal use, and my collection as outgrown the original two small plastic tubs. I don’t mind having more fabric around. Sometimes it’s nice to sift through and look at, although if all my sewing stuff is out for too long I start to feel a little cluttered and have to put it away for a while, which is what I am doing tonight. When I decide to tackle another full sized quilt I can pull it all out and get fresh color ideas.

I’m at a loss for what to do with many of my store scraps. Many are strips no more than an inch and a half wide, some as wide as three or four inches. I’d like to make some sort of scrap quilt, but I haven’t even begun to look through what I have. At one point I started cutting some scraps into 2.5″X2.5″ squares for a future around the world quilt, but looking at the scrap boxes now makes me feel anxious and cluttered. I don’t want to throw them all away, but all of the effort it will take to cut all the pieces and strips for my scrappy quilt feels overwhelming. I suppose I could just set all of those aside for now until I don’t feel so crazy.

Finishing the TT pinwheel quilt makes me a little sad. Not because I am at the end of the project – I really look forward to giving it to whom it is intended, but because I really threw myself into the making of this quilt after my second miscarriage (you can read a short version of the story here). I don’t think I used it to “get away” from my grief, although it seems I have to some extent. Now that it’s almost over, and the due date for the baby from my first miscarriage is just next week, I do find myself feeling a little melancholy.

Most of the time I am happy, but it’s hard watching others plan for the arrival of their children when I am not and should be. I pour my hope for the future into my sewing I think, and so when the project is finished, my hope gets stoppered (until I can move on to something else). I think I will probably have to make another quilt. I’ll look through some patterns tonight.

To be absolutely, perfectly honest – I just want to hold my newborn someday. My last two chances have gone, and the day I hope for keeps getting further and further away. It makes me sad.

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